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No One Appreciates Mario Batali’s Cinnamon Bun Sexual Harassment Apology

Polipace Staff

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Mario Batali issued an apology, of sorts, to the sexual-harassment accusations brought against him with a breathtakingly tone-deaf newsletter. After several paragraphs devoted to the “many mistakes” he’s made and the work that he will do to “regain your respect and trust,” the email concluded with a postscript, for Pizza Dough Cinnamon Buns with Jizz Sauce.

The responses were as you expected:

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Chief Wahoo Being Removed from Clevand Indians, Will Still Sell to Locals Only

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The polarizing mascot is coming off the team’s jersey sleeves and caps starting in the 2019 season, a move that will end Chief Wahoo’s presence on the field but may not completely silence those who deem it racist.

The Associated Press was informed of the decision before an official announcement was planned for Monday by Major League Baseball.

After lengthy discussions between team owner Paul Dolan and MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred, the Indians are taking the extraordinary step of shelving the big-toothed, smiling, red-faced caricature, which has been used in used in various expressions by the team since 1947.

However, the American League team will continue to wear the Wahoo logo on its uniform sleeves and caps in 2018, and the club will still sell merchandise featuring the mascot in Northeast Ohio. The team must maintain a retail presence so that MLB and the Indians can keep ownership of the trademark.

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Rock Legend Animal Dies Aged 66

Polipace Staff

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TRIBUTES have been flooding in from all across the world following the death of Animal, the legendary drummer with rock outfit Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem.

Fans of the supergroup were shocked to learn of the passing of the iconic percussionist, who passed away at just 66 following a short illness. Remaining band members Dr. Teeth, Janice, Zoot and Floyd Pepper took to the group’s Facebook fan page to announce the sad news earlier today.

“We will never forget you, brother,” read the statement from the band.

“You kept rocking ’til the very end. Be at peace now, and we’ll play again in that great muppet theatre in the sky”.

Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem had been performing together for several years before their breakout performance on the Muppet Show in 1975. The band were invited to continue as resident artists for the show, but it was Animal’s trademark intensity that won him the hearts of fans all across the world. His popularity won him appearances in every Muppet movie released, with his last role in 2014’s Muppets: Most Wanted.

“Although he had already been diagnosed with threadbaring syndrome, you would have never known he was sick,” said Fozzie Bear, speaking about the filming of M:MW.

“I’d ask him if he was feeling alright, and he’d just say ‘ANIMAL!!! HAAAAH!!!!’. That was… that was just Animal, you know?”

Other Muppets were quick to add their own tributes to their deceased colleague, with Miss Piggy stating that Animal was “a driving force in her life”, and the Swedish Chef adding that Animal always knew “how tee bork de bork”.

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Walmart Locks Doors to Stores and Fires Employees After Trump Tax Cuts

Polipace Staff

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Thousands of employees arrived at Sam’s Clubs all around the US this morning, only to find the doors shut and them fired without notice. The exact number of stores closing hasn’t been confirmed by the company, but thousands of workers are losing their jobs after they were promised “higher salaries” and bonuses because of the Trump tax cut.

Business Insider first reported on a slew of stores locking their doors Thursday morning, leaving disgruntled employees and confused customers.

The news comes as the big-box retailer just announced it would be using savings from new tax legislation to raise employee’s starting wages and offer bonuses to staff.

A company spokesperson didn’t immediately respond to CNBC’s request for comment.

Local media outlets in Texas, New York, New Jersey and Arizona were some of those confirming stores being closed on Thursday. In some cases, employees weren’t notified in advance, the publications said.

Sam’s Club’s Twitter account was issuing statements to upset customers Thursday afternoon.

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